Sexy Sports
That’s right – sexy sports! Not “sexy shorts”, although there are sexy shorts all over the landscape, and some of them are part of the sporting world. Venus and Serena Williams’ shorts always grab my attention. I also like to look at fellow tennis player Maria Sharapova, and I’ll be the first to admit that I have never watched her play a single point. And I used to love watching Tina Thompson of the WNBA. Yes, I know, I know, but truthfully I’m just getting started. Remember the French figure skater Surya Bonaly? She of the competition back flip? Boy, I really liked her, because I just pulled her name out of the dark recesses of my mind without any hesitation at all. And she skated in the Olympics last century -- as did Katarina Witt. “Ecaterina” was (and is) a vision of loveliness in my mind.
Right about now I would imagine that any women, feminists, gays, transgenders, and maybe even clergy who are reading this are thinking “you pig!” Relax, everybody! There’s enough eye candy here for everyone, and then some! You all know what you like; I can only speak to what I like, so that’s what I do. None of us can deny that athletes have a very definable sex appeal.
There were so many different directions in which I could take this essay that my thoughts were haphazardly organized at the outset. When the idea of combining sex and sports came to mind, I knew that I had a winning topic. It’s common knowledge that sex sells, and we all know that sports sells. When I thought about combining the two, my mind went nova and I started typing.
So which sport is the sexiest? This question, is, of course, totally subjective and depends on a person’s point of view and frame of reference. It might be women’s tennis or swimming or volleyball or gymnastics. Or diving. Or golf. In actuality, these are my selections; Joe Six-Pack may have a different set of standards. In like fashion, I can only guess as to what women like to watch….
Wait a minute. The word “watch” alerted me to the fact that so far I am only covering the visual aspect of “sexy sports”. I totally forgot about the other senses. What is the sexiest-sounding sport? Football and tennis spring to mind. Those who like to argue in bed might prefer baseball or basketball. And some dear readers might get off on the roar of the crowd. Do any sports smell sexy? Beach volleyball? All that sun, sand, surf and cocoa butter, not to mention the teeny bikinis…. Again, it’s a personal choice. Some may find the smell of a horse paddock very sexy; others, not so much. And then there’s a tactile aspect of sports that some might find sexy. Pairs figure skating leaps into my mind’s waiting arms, along with professional dancers and dance competitions. I don’t even watch “Dancing with the Stars”, but I know that there’s got to be some sexy touching going on. It airs in prime time, for goodness’ sake!.
The sexiest sports sense is the visual one, I suspect. Think of all those youthful, well-toned bodies. Or mature well-toned bods. Then dress those bods in sexy outfits. Even ancient civilizations were attuned to these visual cues. Didn’t the original Olympic athletes perform naked? I bet the spectators were fully clothed. Well, most of them, anyway. Just think of all those well-toned nudes in motion – running, jumping, lunging, spinning, crouching, pushing, pulling, swinging and, of course, scoring.
If all that doesn’t get one’s blood roiling, an argument surely will. John McEnroe springs to mind, followed by Jimmy Connors, baseball manager Billy Martin, and, from time to time, Michael Jordan. The mention of His Airness reminds me that the passion with which some athletes play their game is sexy in and of itself. For me this evokes thoughts of female tennis players grunting and groaning and screaming with every swing, lunge and volley. Monica Seles started this trend in her too-short time in the limelight. When she said “screw it” (no pun intended) and played loudly, fans, writers and commentators lamented the un-ladylikeness of her grunts and groans. Years later, nearly all top women’s tennis players are loud on the court while presenting themselves as genteel ladies off the court. How sexy is that? I think Serena is consistently the loudest, but I’m not sure whether this helps her win fans or sell stuff. Frankly, with that body I don’t think it matters; she could be a mute and still get crazy media print space and airtime. Sports, sex, and fashion meet up in Serena’s wardrobe, both on and off the court.
And just in case the connection between sports and sex isn’t clear enough, some clubs – notably football and basketball teams – devote considerable resources to fielding cheerleading squads and/or dance troupes. Just think of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, the Laker Girls, the Knicks City Dancers, or any big-time college football or basketball program. (Fellas, you can take a couple more minutes here.)
I cannot end this essay without mentioning the two acts that consummate the marriage of sports and sex: scoring, and winning. In the most primitive sports-to-sex translation, scoring is penetration (dare I say “hitting the spot”? OK, I dare), and winning is the orgasm. The most exciting games are up-and-down, back-and-forth tussles, or defensive masterpieces where neither side scores much but damn near kill themselves trying. Winning is the ultimate satisfaction. Winning can be a selfish endeavor, or it can be a come-one-come-all-everybody-celebrate-with-us party. And at the end of a session, both sides are tired and sweaty and might want a cigarette. Or a beer. Or a nap. Or some food. Or all of the above!
I’ll close with a reference that every weekend athlete can relate to, either in the bed or on the field of play: if you’re really lucky, you might play, score, and win for hours on end. Or play a double-header. I think that triple-headers are over-rated, and I’ll stop right there…. I’m exhausted!
