Taking Stock at 49-and-a-Half

Taking Stock at 49-and-a-Half

Thursday, November 24, 2011

This New Year’s Eve I turn 50. On the whole of it, 20 was better. My mind at 49 is cluttered with health and security issues, and every day I ask “what do I have to show for myself?”

I was recently asked to write down a snapshot of my life at age 21.  The upshot of that was a realization that so far in my life I have been able to accomplish just about everything that I have set my mind to.  Okay, so I wasn’t first-team All-City in basketball, but I did make honorable mention.  Not bad for a kid who didn’t know how to dribble at age 9, and other than a few moments with Coaches Kelly and Donohue (and Mr. Lata between gym classes) never had anything resembling instruction in my beloved game of hoops.  Thank you, Mr. Lata, for teaching me the mechanics of a proper jump shot.  Rest in peace.

When I set my mind to do something, consider it done.  Academic performance?  Forget about it.  Somewhere between third and fourth grade I stopped accepting what was presented to me and started looking for answers on my own.  I haven’t stopped since.

Problem is, once I achieve a goal, I throw it away.  The reasons are myriad:  I don’t realize how good I have it, I’m embarrassed about how good I have it, I feel that I can regain whatever I lose, I feel that spiritual accomplishments override material ones, I suffer from angry-misunderstood-black-man syndrome, so-and-so has it in for me, you name it, I can turn it into an excuse for failure.  Also, one of my guiding principles is that a person cannot truly master something until they walk away from it, so I derive satisfaction from walking away from a job well done.  I just need to work on my technique.

Luckily, one thing I am not burdened with at this point in my life is insecurity.  I have supreme confidence in my ability to get things done, and that confidence has paid off time and time again – especially since my kidneys failed two years ago. I am certain that with hard work and the Lord’s constant watchful guidance that my ship will always right itself and will sail straight and true to whatever destination I set.

As for my future, I am sticking with big goals.  Goal One:  I want ten million people to read something that I wrote.  I don’t care whether it’s an essay, a bumper sticker, a t-shirt, a song lyric, or an instruction manual on extraterrestrial communications.  If I can get 10,000,000 people to read, feel or hear it, I will consider this mission accomplished.  Goal Two is to help young people make smart, healthy life decisions in a chaotic world.  Goal Three, if at all possible, is to get paid for learning stuff, as opposed to getting an education to enhance one’s earning potential.  Why not? 

The tricky part will be turning these goals into realities; that’s where the rubber meets the road. 

Still My Sister

My sister Adrienne, who passed away a few months ago, still speaks to me all the time.  Sometimes we communicate via our thoughts, and sometimes we still use my smartphone!

Adrienne was the only person I texted on a regular basis, and I haven’t removed her from my Contacts list – I just added an “RIP” to her name.  As it turns out, her name appears first in my Contacts, and every now and again her last text message pops up on my phone:  “How are you doing?”  This never fails to make me smile, and I always automatically give her a quick update as to what’s happening in my life that day.  This happens once every couple of weeks; the last time was the night I was packing for a two-day NYC visit.  There’s no way that that wasn’t her!

I miss Adrienne a lot.