RAMBLINGS VOL XII

Better late than never.

With my new dialysis schedule, I find that CVS is no longer a convenient visit.  Problem?  No problem, as I find that suddenly I no longer need anything from CVS.  Hmmmm……

I cannot stand my new dialysis schedule.  I hate everything about it.  But it will be worth the change if I can return to work in 2012 and take a reading from that vantage point.

I just re-read my RAMBLINGS VOL XI, and saw that I asked myself “is there a career that would pay me for learning something new every day?”  It hit me like a Mack truck.  I was knee-deep in that career for over a decade!  J

I purchased a gyro (no tomato, extra sauce) while downtown running errands today.  Nine bucks is more than I like to spend for lunch, but it was worth it.  I had a light breakfast, and I don’t mind spending good money on good food (within limits, of course).  And that gyro feels great in my belly right now!

He gives power to the weak And to those who have no might He increases strength.  Isaiah 40:29

12/1/11:  I am having a great day so far.  I’ve learned a thing or three, and just finished an excellent workout.  Tonight I’ll visit the Phillips Collection before dialysis. Discounted admission price is $1.00 – bought the ticket online a couple of months ago.  Am in the middle of a nice lunch of crabcakes and some Chinese chicken and veggies.  I am going to miss these times after I return to work.

12/6/11:  I just flashed on french fries!  Mmmmmmm!  I might have to try some.

The Seven Deadly Sins Are:  Pride, Lust, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Gluttony and Envy.  I always list Pride first because that’s the one that I always forget.

12/8/11:  I’m actually looking forward to dialysis tonight.  I want to get in there and get it over with so I can be normal for three days.

12/9/11:  Fried fish (whiting) sandwiches for breakfast and lunch (plus an apple) today!  I purchased the fish yesterday afternoon.  Six fillets for ten bucks.  There’s enough left for one more sammich; I’ll let that keep for a day or two.  So what’s for dinner tonight?  I am undecided for the moment. 

I think that I would make an excellent food critic!

Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other.  -- Abraham Lincoln

Cha-Ching Moment:  I've been struggling with my smartphone's charger ever since I purchased the phone about six months ago.  I always had to adjust it "just so" to get it to charge.  (Since the phone was refurbished, I figured "oh well, you get what you pay for".)  Today I tried charging my phone with my Kindle’s charging cord -- cha-ching!

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  Philippians 4:13

I downloaded the Bible a week or so ago and started reading it.  I just finished Matthew.  I couldn’t make it through Proverbs without changing the channel.  Those two-line sayings got really irritating after the first seven or eight hundred.

I really miss the longer-distance runs.  In my case, longer distance means four to seven miles.  Once you’re out there in the midst of it and you get into your rhythm, the fatigue no longer matters.  It just feels really good.  The solitary aspect appeals to me as well.  My favorite run was in Germany on a summer Saturday morning in 1983.  It was about seven miles total and took me out through the boonies and some barren fields to a quaint little burg that was large enough to support a bunch of shops but not large enough to need a traffic light.  I ran through the town and back to the barracks, and I’m pretty sure I didn’t see a single person the entire time.

Yesterday afternoon I did 71 pushups without “breaking the position”, a personal best.  I was concerned that I hadn’t “tested” in a while and that my reduction of workouts in November would have an adverse effect on my results; a couple of weeks of training every other day seem to have quickly rounded me back into form.  Over the next couple of weeks I’m going to decide what physical fitness marks to go after in 2012.  I will definitely learn to swim.  Should I try a running program as well?  I’ll look into it….

[Author note:  four days later (Dec. 15) I did 72 push-ups.]

[Author note:  I “looked into it” and decided yes!  Feet permitting, I will make running the centerpiece of my workouts in 2012.]

I’ve been playing Scrabble online against anonymous players the last couple of weeks (I usually play against the computer).  So far my record is about the same – I lose as often as I win.  I must admit that I am surprised by this.  I know I’m not the smartest guy in the world and I don’t have the best vocabulary, but I was pretty sure that I was better than average; now I have my doubts.  That said, some of these players have to be cheating by using computer programs.  I could do the same thing, but that is not my style.  I improve by doing; yesterday I wrote down about six words which I had never heard of before that my opponents used against me.  I put them all in my spreadsheet, looked up the definitions, and wrote those down as well; that’s how I learn.  I used FETOR (stench) in a recent game because the computer used it against me months ago.  Some of the words that will go into my spreadsheet next time are:  YAG, BARBET, NOH, TREPAN, YWIS, DARIOLES, and GUAIAC.  Next time around, I’ll know what each word means.

[Author note:  In many circles, using assistance while playing Scrabble is not considered cheating.]

Tonight’s dinner was so good I had to stop and say grace a second time!  (Steak, salmon, Rice-A-Roni and a sliced apple)

Tonight I was supposed to watch the season premiere of the revived Fear Factor, which used to be one of my favorite shows.  I turned away from a “Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations” show which was featuring Amazon cuisine and culture (the river, not the Internet behemoth).  Much to my surprise, after about 30 seconds I flipped back to “No Reservations” because it looked much more interesting.

There are sixty-six books in the King James Bible.  Did someone think that that number would be cute?

In 2012 and beyond I am going to maximize the capabilities of my brain.  At this point there is no question that it is my greatest asset.

I joined the DC Public Library to get free music downloads (three per week) and learned that I can also use their free WiFi service to access the Internet.  Oh yeah, as an added bonus I can check out books!  J

Birthday pig-out update:  I couldn’t wait any longer!  I caved in on December 23 and ordered a pizza.  I still have a couple of slices left and will finish it off by tomorrow (12/26).  It tastes delicious and completely illegal.  The important thing is that I’ve gotten that monkey off my back and can now re-focus on eating right.  I still plan to buy some chocolate ice cream for my birthday, though!

Resolutions for 2012 – the list is longer than usual.  I generally like to keep the number down to about three.  But this year the list numbers 10:

Learn to swim

Buy a truck

Get teeth fixed

Resume career

Run, run, run!

Keep writing

Study every day

Dump Comcast Internet

Win something!

Take the stairs

If you try, you can accomplish anything.  And if you don’t accomplish everything – well, at least you tried!

Sometimes time flies by quickly; other times it can’t move quickly enough.

Scrabble rant - I feel better already

I spent many months recently playing Scrabble against "AI" (the computer) and improved to the point where I win about half the time.  Hot stuff, right?  Not in the world of online Scrabble.

I also play Words With Friends (who doesn't?), and haven't lost a game yet.  But Scrabble?  These gals and guys are amazing.  My opponents -- some friends, some anonymous -- have me scratching my head and cussing to myself with their 7- and 8-letter word combos, a lot of which are brand new to me.  They send me to the dictionary about as often as the computer does, which makes me wonder: How many of them are using the "hint" feature or some other word-finding software when they play online?  (I am a purist; I use neither.)

The worst is when an opponent plays a 7- or 8-letter word that I never heard of, like DARIOLES.  This is apparently a French dessert.  (I know just enough French to get into serious trouble over there.)  Equally infuriating is when they string two or three of these words together in succession. I've had this done to me both by humans and by computers.

I could rant about Scrabble for a good while, but I'll stop here and comfort myself with the knowledge that I get a little better every time I lose or have to look up a new word, and that I can do a crapload more push-ups than the vast majority of these weenies.  And besides, I really love the game! :-)

The End of Heroes?

Until recently, Joe Paterno was one of my sports idols: a great field general, a benefactor, a no-compromise academician, a trusted mentor to thousands of young men and women, and the winningest college football coach of all time. Those accolades no longer count for much because of the alleged sexual abuse of young men that took place on his watch as head coach of the Penn State varsity football program. “Joe Pa” had a big hand in the untimely demise of his career, but the unraveling of his legend was helped along by the much-smaller world that we now live in.

Heroes are going to be much harder to come by in the future because events are disseminated worldwide in the blink of an eye, short-circuiting a person’s or an organization’s ability to handle matters internally (or ignore them internally).  There are more safeguards and reporting mechanisms in place to keep people honest now than at any time in history.  Today’s media machine works in concert with human nature to make the publication of a person or group’s transgressions a near certainty. Becoming a hero is still possible, but holding that status has become a bigger challenge.

While television and the Internet make it easier to be a hero, blood tests and the ubiquitous camera’s eye make it harder to get away with cheating. Major League Baseball and professional cycling are two sports which will never be looked at again with the same innocence, and track and field is not that far behind. Athletes are suspended almost daily for infractions involving drug use and/or criminal behavior. Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Jose Canseco and Barry Bonds obliterated home run records that had been cherished for decades, but were then scorned and vilified for alleged use of performance-enhancing drugs. New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez stands to be baseball’s all-time home run leader by the time he retires, but he has already admitted to using performance-enhancing drugs while playing in the major leagues. Even if his records are allowed to stand, “A-Rod’s” legend will always have the unmistakable taint of steroid use.

Behaviors which were once blithely ignored (such as infidelity) are now red flags on the international moral/ethical blotter. Were President John F. Kennedy in office today, his dalliances would receive more attention and criticism than they did 50-some years ago.  Former President Clinton can attest to that, and so can former Congressman Anthony Wiener and (as of this writing) Republican Presidential candidate Herman Cain. Athletes and politicians seem to fall the farthest and the fastest. 

Thanks to the 24-hour news cycle, our world is becoming one huge reality show. People are subject to more scrutiny at all levels, and so far it does not look like human behavior is going to change much as a result. The limelight that Andy Warhol predicted will eventually give everyone 15 minutes of fame is doing just as good a job of giving everyone 15 minutes of infamy.

Fare thee well, heroes!  Fare thee well.

RAMBLINGS VOL XI

11/1/11:  This morning, I heated up a leftover burger for breakfast and fried an egg to put on top.  In an inspirational flourish, I put a big load of ketchup on top.  I haven’t touched it yet, but I smell the ketchup right now.  Until this moment I never knew that you could smell ketchup.  The smell is unmistakable.

11/2/11:  My nocturnal dialysis session ended at about 4AM.  I caught the 36 bus home at about 4:55 AM.  I got home at 5:35 AM.  It is 8:16 AM, and I am WIDE AWAKE.  I think that my body is getting acclimated to the new schedule.  Whenever I do fall asleep, I know that I will sleep soundly, and have vivid dreams – probably in color!

I am amazed at how colorful the autumn leaves are this year!  But I’m pretty sure that they are the same old leaves every year.  So what’s different?  I am!  I spent Fall of ’09 in the hospital, and Fall of ’10 indisposed.  It’s nice to be healthy again.

My mind is still way ahead of my body.

Thanks to my new dialysis schedule, I love Saturdays even more!  I’ve had a full day to recover from my last session, and I have more than a full day until my next one!  I really do like the change.

Every now and again, our apartment catches a bunch of ladybugs.  It’s never just one; it’s always at least two.  I’ve seen them all over our place, but they really seem to like my bedroom, and they always seem to come in pairs.  Don’t know why.  Could it be the houseplants which are in the living room?

I want 10,000,000 views of my stuff; I figure by then the money will come naturally.  The next question – “how do I get to 10,000,000 views?” – is where the rubber meets the road.  I’m thinking comedy.  Or maybe a catchy slogan?  I would settle for 10,000,000 tee-shirts sold.  Or bumper stickers.  Or….

I purchased the Yahtzee game for my Kindle for 99 cents.  Didn’t Yahtzee used to be simple?

What is up with the ladybugs?  I thought it was just me, but a friend in New York State is experiencing the same thing.  I collected seven ladybug carcasses today.  I checked on the Internet, and there are two types of ladybugs, one local and one from Japan.  In late November they look for a spot to hibernate.  They tend to favor light-colored buildings and then look for cracks.  They’re good at finding the cracks, too!  Like I said, I collected seven of them in my bedroom today.

It’s Thursday evening.  I vacuumed up four more ladybugs today.  I’m getting ready for overnight dialysis.  The daily tedium is getting to me.  I need to find a way to shake things up without doing anything stupid.  In the meantime, I pray and maintain.

It is better to have a modest meal prepared with love than to feast with a bunch of haters – paraphrased from Proverbs 13:17

I’m looking up a recipe for tuna and green beans that I saw on Lidia Bastianich’s cooking show the other evening.  I typed in “lidia” on Google, and an entire page of results for Lidia instantly appeared.  THAT’S famous….

Is there a career out there that would pay me for learning new things every day?  That would be the perfect job for yours truly.  Of course, learning something new every day is its own reward.  But I digress….

I exercised today after an 11-day layoff.  Right now I am deliciously tired.  Two hours ago, I was really sorry that I had an 11-day layoff because I felt it in the gym, especially during push-ups.  There are a few reasons I took almost two weeks off, but the main reason is because I wanted to.  I will have to watch this very closely going forward, because there’s no way I’m going back to square one or, in my case, square zero.

I was flipping channels and hit “Gone With the Wind” on AMC.  I had never seen this movie so I was excited about it.  The acting was stilted and the colorization looked silly, but I was intent on watching it anyway – until some guy made a reference to “darkies”.  So much for that sh*t.

There was a new episode of Top Chef tonight.  I tried watching it three times back-to-back, and fell asleep before each ending.  I like when that happens.

IT marches on

Every time I upgrade one of my computers, I give the swap-out to a family member.  My mom has been the recipient twice.  She currently has a Dell desktop with all the peripherals that is more than powerful enough for her needs.  She likes to play Solitaire and the other games that came with the installation; she also listens to CDs and looks at photos on occasion.  The oddest and coolest thing is that she has no desire to use the Internet.  Mom is well-educated, well-read, and quite alert.  She is well aware of the Internet phenomenon, and some of her friends use the 'Net regularly.  But Mom gets along quite nicely without it, thank you very much.

My dad (RIP) and I were the only two in the family who were really bitten by the PC bug.  When Dad passed in 1985, my brother Owen and I cleared his apartment of his belongings.  One of his possessions was a Radio Shack TRS-80, one of the first computers made available to the mass market.  At the time, I was fascinated by it but couldn't figure out what to do with it.  I used it to write a program that picked Lotto numbers at random and quickly lost interest.  I have no idea what I did with the TRS-80; my guess is that I moved away from it at some point.  I don't think that it would command that much on the open market today, as they were quite popular in the early '80s.  But it would look really sweet hooked up to my Dell XPS410.

As for me -- I made an excellent living managing an IT department for over a decade. The career path was engaging to say the least, and I eagerly anticipate returning to the IT industry in 2012 after a long hiatus (early retirement followed by kidney failure). I enjoyed struggling with the challenges presented by IT in the workplace on a daily basis, doing my best to keep up with emergent technologies (an impossible task, but the fun is in the journey), and helping to develop and advance the careers of my co-workers. As time passed, it became evident to me that future advances in computing would center around the delivery method as opposed to the data processing function; when I look at the proliferation of smartphones, tablets, the Internet, and cloud computing, I can only think that this trend will continue, and that the best is yet to come!

Bad Luck, My Ass – I Mean My Eye!

A black cat crossed my path on a cool November night and I asked myself: if a black cat crosses your path and you don’t see it, is that still bad luck? I posed this question to my Facebook friends and received a couple of thoughtful replies, one of which was that I should consider it to be good luck.  My initial response to that remark was “how cute”.  I recalled the cat incident 48 hours later while waiting for my train on the elevated track platform, and had a revelation:  My friend was right!

Why should a black cat crossing your path be bad luck?  Is a black sheep bad? No, it isn’t!  A black flag is a race car driver’s anathema because someone decreed this many years ago, not because of any physical characteristic.  The black side moves second in chess because some king decided so thousands of years ago.  (Or was it a queen?)  Not all connotations of black are bad.  Black-tie affairs are elegant occasions.  Every businessperson desires to be in the black.  And a blackjack is always a winning hand.  Black-is-bad is a crock of doo-doo. Black coffee exemplifies this perfectly - some love it; some hate it.  Same goes for black licorice.

I’m hoping that you will remember this gibberish the next time a black cat crosses your path – at least some of it, anyway!  Don’t give that cat a second thought, unless it’s yours, or you’re really into cats.  In either case, you’re on your own.

Thanksgiving Haiku

Happy Thanksgiving

Friends old and new, tried and true

Let’s pause to give thanks.

New York City 10.31.11 Notes

These notes were taken during my visit on October 31, 2011.

The trip got off to a rough start as I had to get out of bed at 6:30AM for the quick turnaround (just got home at about 5:30 AM from dialysis).  It was difficult, but I did it and am so glad that I did!  The entire point of the trip was to see if I could do it, and I could!

I couldn’t help but notice the beautiful fall colors on I-95.

Comfortable walking shoes are a beautiful thing!

The newer subway cars on the F line have electronic signage – very cool.  The public service announcements on all trains and platforms were loud, clear and intelligible.  I was shocked!

New Yorkers don’t give a frack; they just stare at you.  That is considered rude in DC.

Many routes and station names have changed.  Thank goodness for the Internet!

The R train is the same train I rode on in 1999.  So is the C train.

NYC subway ads are 800 times more creative and passionate than the advertisements in the DC Metro, which are much more business and philanthropy-oriented.

Black leather is still the in thing in Noo Yawk.

Why do they bother painting the subway stations?  The peeling paint is disgusting and unhealthy.

There are many Droid-heads staring at their smartphones and iPods, but not as many as there are in DC. 

The food at Applebee’s has a lot of sodium.

Mom is sharper than ever!

The R train features the “hip” Brooklyn crowd.  LOL.  Brooklyn is the new East Village.

You have to be in good shape to get around NYC, as there aren’t a whole lot of elevators and escalators.  I made it home OK, but man, I’ve slept like a baby every night since!

I happened to be on the subway during the 5PM rush (headed toward the 9/11 Memorial).  I felt just like part of the crowd – I was tired and wanted to go home.

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The 9/11 Memorial is sober and subdued.  Subtle.  Frankly, it’s less than exciting.  The somber tone is captured and then some.  It is a tomb.

Even those who didn’t know someone who died or don’t live in NYC cannot miss the fact that this was some way serious sh*t – for New Yorkers in particular.

Security is over-the-top and then some.  There were four checkpoints before the security screening, and then three or four more.  You also have to walk about two city blocks to get from the entry point to the actual memorial.  And this is all once you get there.  If you don’t know the way, good luck!  Bring a lot of patience; you will need it.  And wear comfortable shoes.

I definitely want to return in the daytime to see if the vibe is any different.

All the new construction is magnificent.

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Times Square takes no prisoners when it comes to gouging tourists.  Nine dollars for a slice of pizza!

Leaving the 9/11 Memorial, I was walking toward the Cortlandt Street subway station when I heard a train passing by underneath.  I smiled when I recognized that unmistakable rumble.

RAMBLINGS VOL X

It is time to turn the bass player in me loose!

My first jam will be Greensleeves!

If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. Jeremiah 29:13 NLT

Frederika Vaupen, my favorite boss and first business mentor, could hold a thought through a hurricane.  We would be sitting in her office struggling through the latest challenge and someone would come in to report an emergency.  She would make a couple of phone calls, discuss the issue with us, make a couple more calls, field a couple more issues, and then say “Now where were we?  We were discussing…”  She would do this every day.  I mention this because my short-term memory is coming back strong.

HEART or HATER?  This one just popped into my head.  You can also spell EARTH with the same five letters.

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.  James 1:19

Tonight I start nocturnal dialysis (a two-week trial).  Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday evenings.  I’ll have much more to report soon.  For now, I am anxious and excited.  I’ve been asked to find out who Archie is and make sure that the technician who is NOT Archie – the taller one -- finishes my buttonhole vascular access.  You better believe that I will make this happen.  [Author note:  The technician who is NOT Archie is named Mauricio.  He is the best.  He knows what he is doing and explains why he is doing it.]

My life is starting to get busy and complicated again.  All the old doubts are trying to creep back in, but now I know that I can handle whatever comes along.  I know this because that is exactly what I have been doing.

It’s starting to be the time of year when the sun shines directly into my bedroom in the early morning.  The sunshine feels good on my skin, but not on my eyes or my brain.  I don’t like closing my curtain, so I compromise by precisely placing a shirt or towel on the curtain rod to block the direct sunlight.

I generally know that it is time to eat when I start to think incessantly about food.  It is almost my usual breakfast time, and I just flashed on the “Soup Nazi” soup that I used to occasionally get on my lunch breaks when I worked in midtown Manhattan.  The soup stand was the same place that was featured in the Seinfeld “Soup Nazi” episode.  The soup was rather expensive, but in true Noo Yawk style is worth every damn penny.  A cup would come with a piece of bread and an orange, and made a good lunch.  A bowl would come with at least an orange and at least one piece of bread, and was a complete meal.  The first flavor that comes to mind is mulligatawny, followed by lobster bisque, she-crab, split pea and ham,   Oh my Gawd that soup is good! 

I was in Manhattan a few weeks ago and had some time to kill, so I walked from the Port Authority bus terminal to the Carnegie Deli and in the process revisited some of my old stomping grounds.  The Soup Nazi soup stand was part of the trek.  When I stopped to take a photo, the original Kramer happened to be there, along with his “Seinfeld Reality Tour” bus.  I also walked by Worldwide Plaza, the imposing edifice that was the backdrop for many of Elaine’s office shenanigans.  Many of the Seinfeld venues were part of my daily Noo Yawk experience when I lived there. 

My cravings list continues to grow.  Just a few minutes ago I had a sudden craving for orange juice - another renal diet no-no.  I used to pound the OJ in my younger years, but not so much recently.  And, of course, not at all since it was precluded from my diet about two years ago.  But the craving came this morning, as clear as this morning’s sky, from out of nowhere.  I tried to get it off my mind by flipping from computer to TV.  The TV was tuned to the Food Network, and “Semi-Homemade” was on.  The host was doing a Halloween party-themed show and was dressed as Lucy Ricardo in the grape-stomping episode (an all-time TV best moment).  The host (her name will come to me any minute) was creating a punch for the viewers, so she had a huge punchbowl front and center.  So what does she pour into the punchbowl?  A half-gallon of fresh-squeezed orange juice!  Oh great!  Thank you very much!  (Her name is Sandra Lee.)

So far nocturnal dialysis is a winner!  Tonight I finish Week One.  My body is still adjusting, but that’s what it is supposed to be doing.  Two things I need to do immediately are lighten by backpack and purchase some cheap, comfortable sweatpants.  I’m making a trip to Modell’s tomorrow to purchase sweatpants for the overnight dialysis session and for the upcoming cold-weather runs.  As for my backpack, the only reading material I will bring is my Kindle.  I can’t read normal books anyway in the low lighting used in the center for the overnight sessions; the Kindle’s lighting is perfect for this environment.  And when my Kindle Fire arrives in a month or so – oh baby!!  I will be set.  Books, Scrabble, other games, browsing, e-mail, Facebook, Twitter and xFinity movies all on a seven-inch color screen!  And the Kindle Fire uses the Amazon Whispernet, so I’ll no longer have to worry about whether an Internet access point is available and whether it is up or down.

I just read a story about Berlin on the Internet, and it sounds like Berlin has changed a lot since my visit in 1984.  The West side was vibrant and unmistakably open and friendly when I was there.  The East side was just as described in the story: gray and depressing.  One thing the East Side had was remarkably low prices.  In 1984, the dollar was strong and the Deutschmark was strong compared to the Ostmark, so I was truly in a shopper's paradise for about five hours.  I look forward to returning one day and visiting the Berlin Zoo, among other places.

I am so done with all the petty personal crap and attitudes and people with chips on their shoulders.  I am into people who can find happiness and get things done without being a butthole about it.  I love all the haters.  I pray for them every day, and then I do what I have to do.  Now that I am back in good health, I sleep well every single night., except for dialysis overnight sessions, and I am working on that.  I am far from content right now, but I am very, very happy with things.  I pray for the continued good health and good fortune of all my family and friends.  Oh yeah, and for me too!  :-0

Kindle Scrabble has taken it up a notch.  I swear that it uses algorithms that learn as I learn.  That said, I have to admit that I still win a lot, which is more than I can say about my computer chess episodes.  I've had Shredder for over a year and haven't beaten it yet!

So far this rainy Thursday is going gangbusters!

It is now Saturday morning.  It is cold and rainy.  No sun today.  It was still dark at 7:30AM.  Weird.  I am looking forward to moving the clock back next weekend.

More and more I am unable to understand what fast-food sales associates are saying.  There is one Subway in downtown DC that I will no longer frequent because ordering a sandwich is a freaking comedy sketch.  McDonald’s isn’t much better.  Fortunately, the only thing I usually order at McD’s is the McChicken; that is hard to screw up.  Tonight I got a McRib that I will have when I get home.  I miss the McRib!

I am pleasantly surprised by the nocturnal dialysis center staff’s attention to detail and thorough explanations of what is going on.  Last session I got to go through the emergency disconnect procedure because Lakshmi specifically asked me if I was comfortable with the procedure and I told her that I’d feel much better about it if I could actually do it a couple of times, so she stepped me through it and now I practice it in my head every session.  And all the staffers introduced themselves by name.  I haven’t finished my second week yet and I know Lakshmi, Andrew, Mauricio, Maria, Jonathan, and Vicki’s names.  There are a couple of staffers on the day shifts whose names I still don’t know.

Things to do to pass the time during the day:  study for MCSE exams; practice typing; exercise.

I have a VERY good feeling about the future!

Social Networking Profiles: To Friend or Not To Friend?

Recently a friend and former co-worker’s profile appeared on my Facebook wall for the first time. One look at the face and the name and I did not hesitate to send a friend request. I was 100% confident that the minute they saw my name and profile that they would accept because it was that kind of a relationship. This is not always the case, however; sometimes I have to think about sending the request, and that is not a good sign. As another Facebook friend put it, if you have to think about sending a friend request, it’s probably not a good idea!

When one former friend’s profile appeared on my wall, I sent the person a friend request because I felt obligated to. I created a Facebook group that said person should belong to, and I felt that my personal feelings should not influence my decision. It remains to be seen whether they respond; if they don’t, I won’t follow up, and my feelings won’t be hurt one bit.

When a former lover or spouse’s profile appears, my guess is that many people just stare at it for a while. From there the next move can vary as wildly as relationships do. At best, a great connection can be rekindled or revisited; at worst, a horrible mistake can be repeated. (When a former lover’s profile appeared on my wall, I blocked it immediately.)

Social networking profiles can be misused or abused. Spoofing a person’s profile really isn’t that difficult, especially if you have some personal information of theirs. If you haven’t seen or heard from them in a while, how do you know that they are really the person they claim to be? Be careful out there.

Co-workers (former and current) can be a gold mine, a disappointment, or a minefield.  To date I have experienced all three. Facebook is now sending these profiles to my wall’s sidebar in such droves that I am currently in the midst of a new friend moratorium; I don’t want to have fair-weather friends on Facebook or in real life. When a keeper comes along, I will know it, and the moratorium will end.

How important is ANY of the above? Not very, in my humble opinion. It’s nice to get back in touch with old friends and such, but if you were that close in the first place you would probably never have lost touch with said person. Facebook and to a lesser extent Twitter are a part of my life that I can lose without skipping a beat. Don’t let social networking be anything more than it is: a resource, a diversion, an application, a tool.

End

Autumn Haiku

red orange yellow

autumnal leaves are fickle

ambivalent leaves

Serendipity at the MVA

I just left the MVA (Maryland Motor Vehicle Administration) where my driver’s license was converted to MD.  I took a MetroAccess van there because I couldn’t get there using mass transit on three separate occasions; each time I ran out of time, energy or patience.  I figured that once I was there I could figure out how to get back home using mass transit, as I have never had a problem finding my way home.

The MVA’s Largo office is, if you are from the big city like I am, in the middle of nowhere.  It’s just off a main highway in the middle of a car-centric area where everything looks the same.  I knew that we came from the highway, so I headed in the opposite direction to try and find a bus stop.  I walked past a couple (she was watching him smoke a cigarette) and toward a man who was standing at a stop sign.  As I approached I noticed a sign for “The Bus” (Prince George’s County Commuter Bus).  Right at that moment “The Bus” to the Metro pulled up.

How cool was that?

We the People (A Letter to Washington)

Yesterday I visited the National Archives on a whim.  It was a grey Tuesday afternoon, and the lines of people usually waiting to get into the Smithsonian museums were not around. The Rotunda, the room in the National Archives where the United States’ founding documents are stored, was practically empty. After grabbing a quick lunch in the cafeteria, I rode the elevator up to the main floor of the Archives, briefly stopped at the Magna Carta display (it was a facsimile; the original will not be on display until March 2012), breezed past the waiting ropes and up a few stairs, and there I was in the Rotunda.  Small groups were clustered around various displays. There was this one small display in the middle that looked very lonely; it looked like it might even be empty (from about 20 feet away, that is).  I walked up to it and just above there was an unobtrusive plaque that simply read “Declaration of Independence”.

Whoa.

There it was.  It does indeed look a couple hundred years old.  I did not try to read it because I did not have to.  The top line boldly declared “In CONGRESS, July 4, 1776” in large print, and towards the bottom I could make out John Hancock’s signature.  Other than being quite faded, the signature looked exactly like the facsimile that I grew up viewing in history books.  In like fashion, I saw the original Constitution and Bill of Rights.  I did not linger over any of the documents – though I could have.  All I would have had to do was wait out the few visitors who were in the room with me.  But I was so elated and stunned at the simple elegance of the presentation that I saw no reason to push the issue, and left the Rotunda to go home no more than ten minutes after entering.

For the record, security officers were present – I believe there were five or six officers in the Rotunda alone – but their presence was dignified and muted, in keeping with the sobriety and precision of the Rotunda.

The Declaration of Independence laying in the open for all to see while surrounded by mostly invisible and impenetrable security gives testimony to what the caretakers of this great nation can accomplish when they properly set their minds to the task. This lesson seems to be lost on a whole bunch of elected officials, who need to stop whining and pouting and get on with the business of making the electorate happy again.

Please.

RAMBLINGS VOL IX

Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. Phillippians 4:11

“Be very careful about the goals you set because quite often you achieve them.”  Thomas Powell

It is 4:49 AM Friday morning.  I’m up a little extra early after a good night’s sleep and am ready to go.  I just decided to work out in the gym instead of going for a run; but I’m going to do a load of laundry first.  My body feels rested and there is no pain!  My mind is sharp.  I’m not hungry yet, but I know that the kitchen contains a bounty of healthy food choices.  I’m comfortable knowing that right now I am making a lot more good decisions than bad ones.  I like mornings like this one.

My fantasy baseball team (the Allfive Fingers) is holding its own in the league playoff semi-finals.  We’re up a couple of dingers with three days to play out.  Win or lose, I am proud as a runway mom!

I’ve got Ziggy Stardust by David Bowie in my head at the moment.  I could do a whole lot worse.

Laundry is done, folded and put away.  It’s 7:06AM.  I have decided to skip today’s workout and take a run tomorrow morning.  It is nice to be in a position where I can make that call and not feel the slightest bit of guilt or worry.  Time to say a short prayer of thanks.  I’ll be back….  Okay, I’m back.  It’s about 50-somethng degrees this morning!  AC is turned off.  There is a nice crisp smell to the air.  Summer is turning into fall, and it feels good.

Crazy karma - the social worker at the dialysis ctr just used the

Shakespearean phrase "slings and arrows". That's the name of my fantasy football team. I told her this and she informed me that Visanthe Shiancoe (Minnesota Vikings) is her son!

I was in armchair paradise last night!  I was watching two football games on TV (Boomer Sooner!) while playing two online Scrabble games and also checking on my fantasy baseball team's progress.  And my teams won!

I tested my smartphone’s Internet access from a Starbucks today.  It works as advertised even outside of the store.  This will come in very handy when I am traveling.  And by no means will this be used as an excuse to start wasting money on those frappucinos again.

Today I got super-crabby towards the end of my dialysis session.  Why?  Hunger.  I had a solid breakfast, but had it a little earlier than usual.  And instead of a half-sandwich, piece of fruit and a good-sized snack, I packed only a half-sandwich and a small snack, so I was ravenous by 3PM.  It took a lot of willpower to come directly home, but it was worth it.  I immediately ate a couple of chili dogs (my best batch of chili yet!) and a cookie, and then grabbed the Chinese takeout menu.  I ordered the General Tso’s chicken combo platter and a gyro (no tomato).  The stuff arrived at 6:30 and I got busy immediately.  I made it through the gyro, the egg roll, and a good helping of Gen Tso chicken and fried rice before I stopped.  I can’t pretend that I don’t know why I was so hungry; one look in the mirror tells me why.  I am still adding muscle.  I have to tell the medical staff at the dialysis center to bump up my “dry weight” another kilo to 104 kilograms (about 229 lbs).

Even *nothing* can be done well….

I may have reached the point where I can throttle back a little on my training.  If I do not train today, I will still have worked out 10 of 20 days this month.  I definitely see more definition in a lot of places on my body.  And the success builds on itself as my ego starts to kick in.  It’s a lot easier to turn down that donut now.  As hungry as I was when I arrived home yesterday, I focused on eating good food instead of the big chocolate chip cookies that Hilva left for me.  The important thing now is to find a comfortable training level.  I am famous for my “all or nothing” attitude, and if I don’t watch it I’ll be looking at myself in the mirror in six months wondering what the hell happened.

Sometimes while in the kitchen I think up something that I want to write down, and by the time I get back to my computer I forget what that one thing is.  This is one of those times.

It is almost exactly one week after I started this volume of ramblings.  Today is my dad’s birthday.  RIP David White Sr.  I love to think about why he taught me to play chess instead of basketball.

Among other things, during this morning’s workout I did 40 push-ups, took a quick break, and did 40 more.  That was pretty cool. 

Just like last Friday, so far I am having a damn fine morning!

My fantasy baseball team, the Allfive Fingers, won last week’s semifinal by outscoring the best team in the league.  As of right now we have a 20-plus-point lead in the finals with three days to play.  Anything can happen, but I just know that the Fingers are going to win.

I am currently playing “Hip Hop” by Dead Prez.  It is a thug beat.  I like it a lot.

So far this has been a very interesting Saturday.  It is 1:30PM and I have not yet watched a single minute of college football.  I’m not exercising today because I’ve worked out four days in a row and my body has put the brakes on exercising for at least a day or so.  There’s little food in the pantry simply because it’s that time of the month, but I still have food to eat.  I have a couple of sources of money if I really need to buy something, but I’m pretending that I don’t.  The big question:  do I brave the rainy weather and take a trip to the supermarket?  The answer:  Yes, of course I do.  I need protein.

It is Sunday morning and I am in rare form.  Well, I am in what used to be rare form; it is now a more common occurrence.  My neck still hurts, but my mind is razor-sharp and I am in a good mood regardless.  I’ve already solved one mystery, and also discovered that my B-complex vitamin supplement bottle has a pop top – I no longer have to unscrew the cap every morning.  I did not go to the supermarket yesterday, and I just decided that I’m not going to go today either.  I will make do with cold cereal, cold cuts and scrambled eggs until hunger sends me down to the convenience store on the “terrace” (read basement) level of the apartment complex.  So what’s next?  A big bowl of Corn Flakes and Frosted Flakes and a game of Scrabble.  I’ll be back….

My big brother Owen told me two things that stick out in my mind.  Number one:  You have the rest of your life to cross the street.  Number two:  When you get older, you will notice all the ladies looking at you in a certain way.  I understood number one immediately, and it has saved my life at least once.  After many years, I now see evidence of number two every single day.  And it feels pretty good.  But where they hell were they when I needed them?

Answer:  they were right there.

RAMBLINGS VOL VIII

I am giving Kindle Scrabble a good game more often than not on the Hard level.  The tables are turning.  I'm using its ridiculously arcane words against it, just like I would on the basketball court or the chess board.  And there are only so many seven- and eight-letter words out there. 

Those who listen to instruction will prosper; those who trust the Lord will be joyful. Proverbs 16:20

My latest new gadget is a wireless keyboard.  It’s my second one; the first died many months ago.  This one is lighter, has a much better feel, has many more functions, and cost less than half as much as the one I bought four or five years ago.  My bedroom is no longer an occupational hazard!

As of last night, Master Chef Dave can cook pork chops.  Yummmmmmbaby!  I cooked up six Tuesday evening; they were gone by Thursday evening.  Thank goodness I bought two packs – and thank goodness for BOGO (buy one get one free)!  Welcome to the protein stable, pork chops!

Yesterday I resolved to learn someone’s name.  I decided it should be the receptionist at K Street Dialysis.  She is unfailingly polite and yeah, OK, she’s good-looking, too.  So what?  I briefly puzzled over how to do this, and then I said screw it and knocked on her door so I could ask her.  She was wearing a nametag that said “Rhona”.  Job well done!  On to the next task.

I know just about all of the dialysis center employees’ names now, and they all know “Mr. White”.

I was looking forward to my run this morning, so of course this was the one morning that I woke up late (7AM).  Today is an off-day for me (no dialysis), so I had more than enough time to get a run in anyway, but I decided not to.  Sleeping until 7AM is a rarity for me nowadays, so I took it as a signal that my body needs a break from the exercise.  Normally over the course of a month my body will put the brakes on working out at some point and I won’t be able to do it for as long as a week, but that did not happen during the month of August.  This is definitely a good sign!  I am slowly rounding back into form.

I like writing with blue ink.  I don’t care what the black ink people think….

September is a critical month as far as planning goes.  Basically, if it’s going to happen this year, I need to get it going right now.  My strategy is to assume the worst and prepare accordingly; wish me luck.  [good luck, Dave!]

I beat Kindle Scrabble three times yesterday.  I beat it on the way to dialysis, I split two games with it during dialysis, and I beat it on the way home after dialysis!  The last win was the best because I am literally drained as I travel home from having 10-12 pounds of liquid removed from my body.  Two of the wins came on my final play.  You know what?  A win is a win is a win.  I used the word *doyenne* in Scrabble yesterday.  Where the hell did that come from?

Every once in a while, you have to take a deep breath and step into the void.

You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it.”  -- Margaret Thatcher

Today started off with a really riveting hamstring cramp.  If you’ve had one, you know it’s five to ten minutes of agony, and then it’s cool as long as you don’t make the same movement for a while.  This is the second one in a couple of weeks; I’ll have to keep an eye on this situation as it happens the morning after a dialysis session.  This also caused me to remember that it wasn’t that long ago that I was unable to have hammy cramps because I had no leg muscles due to malnutrition and anemia.  So all in all I can’t complain…..  I’ll know that my hammys and quads are all the way back when I am once again way faster than I look.  Right now I’m just faster than I look.

“Success is liking yourself.... liking what you do….and liking how you do it....”  Maya Angelou

Asparagus dip is delicious, especially with honey wheat pretzel sticks.

I got all excited when I saw that McDonald’s is selling its Sausage McMuffin with Egg for 2/$3.00 for a limited time.  I then calmed down and remembered that (a) I don’t eat breakfast on the run anymore, and (b) my own sausage and egg combo costs a lot less than $1.50 per sandwich.  So why am I all hyped over Mickey D’s?  Could it be … sugar?

My smartphone just reminded me that the NASCAR race was rescheduled and is starting right now!!!  Damn – I already missed the first spinout!

67 consecutive push-ups last night!  I think it’s safe to say that I can start focusing on sit-ups and running.

The college and football seasons have officially begun, and serious pizza questions need to be asked.  No pizza at all?  One with everything on my birthday?  Or for the New Year?  Is pizza with no tomato sauce tasty?  I need to develop a list of pizza substitutes immediately. 

Today is 9/9/11.  In two days we mark the ten-year anniversary of 9/11.  I had briefly thought about doing something silly like 911 push-ups on that day, but there’s no way I am going to trivialize the sobriety of this event with any individual puffery.  I plan to live my life as normally as possible by working out and watching plenty of football.  I may even break from my diet and order a pizza.

I have had my new printer for over a month now, and I have dusted it almost as often as I have used it to print.  I’m sure this will change, but it’s interesting to note how quickly I adjusted to not being able to print.  My writing has suffered some, I’m sure.  On the bright side, this printer can print photos without special ink.

Do good instead of evil and try to live at peace.  Psalm 34:14

Today is 9.11.11.  I worked out this morning, then walked to McDonald’s to get a cheap lunch, got a cheap breakfast instead, and walked back home.  It is now time to watch football.  I’ll have two Sausage McMuffins w/Egg for lunch.  Dinner?  Pork chop party!

My fantasy baseball team is 15-8 heading into the playoffs!  It’s my very first fantasy team in any sport.  A lot of it is pure luck, but there are plenty of opportunities to make your own breaks, and I take advantage of many of them.  If I win the league championship, my team, the “Allfive Fingers”, will get to play against the other champions for a grand prize of $10,000.  Hey, stranger things have happened:  we just had lightning storms, an earthquake, a hurricane, and major flooding within about a 15-18 day period….

OK, let’s put modesty aside for a second.  I am fit.  I can look in the mirror and nod approval.  And I’m not done yet.  I want the world to know that kidney failure is not a reason to write people off.

Stand up for what you believe in – even if it means standing alone.

RAMBLINGS VOL VII – DISASTER WEEK SPECIAL

 In an eight-day period, my town in Maryland was hit by thunderstorms, lightning storms, an earthquake, and a hurricane.  The oddsmakers say that a locust attack is most likely to happen next, followed closely by raining frogs.

So yesterday our landline phone rings, and it’s that “800 Service” on the caller ID again. They have been calling for over a year, and I keep telling them that they have the wrong number, and they apologize and keep on calling. This call flipped a switch in my brain, and instead of snapping or letting them get under my skin, I went straight to "devious" mode. I checked the call log, wrote down the number, and called them back. I gave the poor sap who answered all kinds of tortuous phone shizzle while advising him that every time they called me, I would call them back. He thought that he would just stay on the line and frustrate me, but I totally out-frustrated him. At one point he pretended to put me on hold while he allegedly looked for his supervisor; I advised him to “hurry up already”. He then handed the phone to his supervisor, a Ms. XXXXX, and I told her the same thing I told him. (While I was doing this I wrote down her name so I could ask for her the next time I called.) After hearing me repeat my new mantra two or three times, she was smart enough to hang up.

Now that these telezombies know that I have their phone number and can be a bigger a-hole than they ever anticipated, I’m pretty sure I won’t be hearing from then again. If I do, I have unlimited service and a lot of time on my hands.

[Yes, I know about the Do Not Call Registry, and it works like a charm on all of our cellphones – but not on the landline for some reason.]

Our hurricane weekend in Washington DC has gone about as expected:  two power outages totaling about 14.5 hours.  What was unexpected were the two dozen or so power “dips”, which can be quite unsettling.  As of this writing power is up but Comcast (cable, Internet, and land line) is still down.  All in all, we cannot complain one bit.  Two things that went right on my spending list are: a good, dependable portable television set, and a whole crapload of C or D batteries to keep the thing running.

Random hurricane-induced ramblings follow:

Vanilla wafers are best eaten two at a time.

I like when babies point at things.

These power dips reminded me that everything you know and love can be taken away just like that.

When you know that a power outage is coming, if at all possible you should make a batch of chili beforehand.  It will come in handy.

Blackout Breakfast:  Two pieces of buttered toast make the foundation of the plate (you can still make toast if you have a gas-powered stove).  Top that with a big mound of piping-hot chili, and top that with two fried eggs.  This should be accompanied by a nice cold beverage.  Cheese, alcohol and dessert are optional.

I saw the first bit of blue sky at approximately 10:20AM Sunday morning, August 28.

In our region, it looks like Virginia definitely got the worst of it.  Two million households without power, from what I last heard.  DC looks to be OK; the trains and buses never stopped running down here.  NYC is a mess in more ways than one.  Word is spreading that the real reason NYC mass transit was shut down was to prevent widespread looting.  That said, it’s time to let out a well-kept secret:  the biggest, nastiest, scariest bunch of potential looters are the police.  They are credentialed professionals whereas the other potential looters are casual amateurs.  I am not by any means denigrating all law enforcement officials; I am just speaking on a well-known truth.

I would guess that within a month the pollen level here will skyrocket to record heights due to the unbelievably wet and damp August weather.

It’s now 8PM Sunday evening and we still have no TV or Internet.  Fortunately, I am getting tired, as I did get out and do my Sunday run this afternoon.  I believe that a nap is in my immediate future, followed by another big bowl of chili and a Dunkin’ Donut.  That should knock me out but good!

[Author’s note:  I did get some sleep but am now awake and on the prowl as usual.  Comcast went back online at about 9PM.  Knock wood, I am truly glad that this stretch of bad stuff is over.  It’s over, right?  Right?]

RAMBLINGS VOL. VI

Lately I’ve been thinking about doing Christian things (other than praying) on a daily basis.  Early on, my thoughts were always bogged down by the idea of donating.  Donating is fine, but right now I don’t have the cash to be a big donor, or even a small one at times.  Besides, I promised myself that until things get better financially that my number one charity is Me and Mine.  With that said, I need to think a lot more outside the box when it comes to performing altruistic acts in my daily life.

Since I started actively thinking about performing Christian acts, I notice that the little things are happening more naturally.  I don’t think so much about whether I should do something nice or polite; I just do it.

I get a kick out of publishing something controversial and then waiting for the approval or critique that never comes.  That usually means that it was thought-provoking – or just plain outrageous!

I LOVE the GEICO commercial featuring The Three Smartphone Dorks!  “Don’t mind if I do!”

Stick to your guns, podnuh.

I brought two bags of Tootsie Roll Pops to the dialysis center and distributed them.  Tootsie Roll Pops are a big favorite at the center because the nutritionist OKs them, they contain pseudo-chocolate, they don’t make a mess, and choking on one is pretty difficult.

I feel like Manager Dave again.  Mentally I am back on top of my game, and I am much more passionate and creative.  I’m working on my anger issues, and am more sociable.  Problem-solving is on point, as is organization and follow-up.

I bought some mandarin orange popsicles, put them in the freezer, and forgot all about them until I went to get some ice for a drink.  What a pleasant surprise!

Being a grown-up all of the time is grueling.

I have been without a printer for over a month.  Being a good technician, I troubleshot the issue (cartridge error) down to the point where the recommended solution (get a new cartridge) did not resolve the issue.  I decided that after five years of good service it was time to put Miss Print out to pasture and get a new one.  Replacement will arrive in 2-4 days.  Among other things, I managed to draft, edit and submit for publication an essay about sex and sports that I think is pretty damn good. 

Replacement printer arrived.  Guess what?  Same #@!#! error.  I packed it up and sent it back to Hell, I mean Dell.  When my account is credited, I will try HP for sure.

Reverse psychology tends to work on me.  If you tell me that I can’t do something, you can bet your bottom dollar that I will do my damndest to git’er dun….

My body makes me take days off from training every once in a while.  Today is one of those days.  Getting around is no problem at all, but every now and again my body says “Thanks for training me so hard.  I really appreciate it.  But do you think we could ease up for a day or two?”

“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever.”  (Hebrews 13:8)  I think that this makes a pretty good mantra.

My smartphone keeps getting smarter…..

I’m watching “Scarface” late at night, and I notice that in the wedding scene Tony Montana’s banker is in the wedding party.  Perhaps that is a sign that Mr. Montana’s value system is a bit skewed?  Or maybe not….

“Sacrifice what you want for what you desire.”  -- Unknown

I am oh so eager to jump back into the mix right now!  But I will try to take one small step at a time.  I took one small step this week:  joining the Mid-Atlantic Renal Coalition’s Patient Advisory Committee.

“Persistence will always defeat resistance.”  Miss Knockout posted this, and the quotable quotes webpage did not have this listed, so I’m attributing it to her.

I just reviewed my “Birthday Food Wish List” (list of foods I can no longer eat) and I was OK right up to the end when I saw “sugar-coated cashews”.  I got all googly.  And now I want a double bacon cheeseburger slathered in ketchup, with a side of hot, crispy fries.  And a chocolate shake.

Here's a useless tidbit:  The updated Looney Tunes Show (Cartoon Network) is pretty darn good!  The old gang has fun in the new millenium, and additional tidbits about the characters are revealed.  If you think that Yosemite Sam might not be a good house guest, you're right!

This morning [author note:  this is a different morning] my body told me to take it easy and skip the run and/or workout.  I’m actually disappointed, but my body knows best.  I may still work out later in the day, but now I can admire the sunrise, go through my notes, and watch the Today Show before breakfast.  I am slowly but surely adjusting to the retirement lifestyle.  That said, if a viable employment opportunity comes along, I’m grabbing it.  Same if IT consulting takes off at some point – and it just might.  Lately I’ve noticed that I am sharp as a tack, and physically I am almost as strong as I was back in the day – actually stronger by some measures.  My only concern is working long hours; I would like to avoid that at all costs.  The return just isn’t worth it any longer in my opinion.

I have worked out 14 of a possible 23 days so far in the month of August.  Longest layoff was August 9-11.  And I am starting to swagger again – but I’m doing a pretty good job of catching myself in the act and turning it off.  “Pride leads to disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.”  -- Proverbs Chapter 11 Verse 2

Every once in a while, the pendulum will swing your way.  When it does, you should be prepared to take full advantage.

Just two minutes ago, I figured out what I should have said when a bunch of managers turned against me to put me in my place six years ago.  I’m elated to finally have the answer, but disappointed that it took me six years to figure it out.  Oh well.  Next time, I’ll be ready.

The American Political Jumbo Jet

The U.S. political system is designed to make slow but sure corrections, much like a jumbo jet. Rather than making sharp adjustments, it makes wide turns and gradual course changes. Any attempt to make an extreme change in course might result in a crash, and sometimes extreme changes are even corrected automatically.  Immediate change is accomplished only with the assistance of a catastrophic event, e.g. lightning, a collision, an explosion, or very bad weather.

The American system of tripartite government excels at preventing sudden changes in policy no matter what the sentiment of the people.  There are, however, certain exceptions to this rule.  The Supreme Court, for example, can single-handedly effect change, but not in a directed fashion.  See Roe v. Wade, the legalization of abortion in the United States, in 1973.  The Supreme Court can overturn this decision if it is presented again and make abortion illegal if five or more Justices agree to overturn the 1973 verdict.  Changes in the socio-political leanings of  Justices do not happen often; neither do Supreme Court appointments.  The anticipated rulings of the Supreme Court are set up for the long haul by a sitting President to the best of his or her ability to do so, and that direction may last for many years after he or she leaves office.

The concept of checks and balances makes ramming any new law through the legislative process extremely difficult. Legislation can only be ratified when the President, a majority of the members of the House of Representatives, and a majority of the Senate all agree that it should become law. Neither house can enact anything without the other house’s assent and the President’s approval. All in all, the system works pretty well; if there’s a problem, it’s that America’s politicians are far too comfortable with the status quo, and that “kicking the can down the road” until the next Congressional or Presidential election has become de rigeur in Washington issue-centric politics. As a result, every once in a while the American political jumbo jet threatens to run out of fuel and fall out of the sky, as it recently almost did with the debt ceiling debate/debacle. Fortunately, Americans are among the best in the world at conjuring happy endings out of crisis situations.

A Hollywood director might have added a couple of over-the-top flourishes to the debt ceiling crisis – for example, a spaghetti-western-style barroom fistfight between President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner – but the outcome would have been pretty much the same:  no lessons were learned, and the audience is by and large left dissatisfied. However, if Hollywood had produced the debt ceiling drama, the process might have generated some cash – and that cash could have paid America’s bills for a couple of weeks!

Sexy Sports

Sexy Sports

That’s right – sexy sports!  Not “sexy shorts”, although there are sexy shorts all over the landscape, and some of them are part of the sporting world.  Venus and Serena Williams’ shorts always grab my attention.  I also like to look at fellow tennis player Maria Sharapova, and I’ll be the first to admit that I have never watched her play a single point.  And I used to love watching Tina Thompson of the WNBA.  Yes, I know, I know, but truthfully I’m just getting started.  Remember the French figure skater Surya Bonaly?  She of the competition back flip?  Boy, I really liked her, because I just pulled her name out of the dark recesses of my mind without any hesitation at all.  And she skated in the Olympics last century -- as did Katarina Witt.  “Ecaterina” was (and is) a vision of loveliness in my mind.

Right about now I would imagine that any women, feminists, gays, transgenders, and maybe even clergy who are reading this are thinking “you pig!”  Relax, everybody!  There’s enough eye candy here for everyone, and then some!  You all know what you like; I can only speak to what I like, so that’s what I do.  None of us can deny that athletes have a very definable sex appeal. 

There were so many different directions in which I could take this essay that my thoughts were haphazardly organized at the outset.  When the idea of combining sex and sports came to mind, I knew that I had a winning topic.  It’s common knowledge that sex sells, and we all know that sports sells.  When I thought about combining the two, my mind went nova and I started typing.

So which sport is the sexiest?  This question, is, of course, totally subjective and depends on a person’s point of view and frame of reference.  It might be women’s tennis or swimming or volleyball or gymnastics.  Or diving.  Or golf.  In actuality, these are my selections; Joe Six-Pack may have a different set of standards.  In like fashion, I can only guess as to what women like to watch….

Wait a minute.  The word “watch” alerted me to the fact that so far I am only covering the visual aspect of “sexy sports”.  I totally forgot about the other senses.  What is the sexiest-sounding sport?  Football and tennis spring to mind.  Those who like to argue in bed might prefer baseball or basketball.  And some dear readers might get off on the roar of the crowd.  Do any sports smell sexy?  Beach volleyball?  All that sun, sand, surf and cocoa butter, not to mention the teeny bikinis….  Again, it’s a personal choice.  Some may find the smell of a horse paddock very sexy; others, not so much.  And then there’s a tactile aspect of sports that some might find sexy.  Pairs figure skating leaps into my mind’s waiting arms, along with professional dancers and dance competitions.  I don’t even watch “Dancing with the Stars”, but I know that there’s got to be some sexy touching going on.  It airs in prime time, for goodness’ sake!.

The sexiest sports sense is the visual one, I suspect.  Think of all those youthful, well-toned bodies.  Or mature well-toned bods.  Then dress those bods in sexy outfits.  Even ancient civilizations were attuned to these visual cues.  Didn’t the original Olympic athletes perform naked?  I bet the spectators were fully clothed.  Well, most of them, anyway.  Just think of all those well-toned nudes in motion – running, jumping, lunging, spinning, crouching, pushing, pulling, swinging and, of course, scoring. 

If all that doesn’t get one’s blood roiling, an argument surely will.  John McEnroe springs to mind, followed by Jimmy Connors, baseball manager Billy Martin, and, from time to time, Michael Jordan.  The mention of His Airness reminds me that the passion with which some athletes play their game is sexy in and of itself.  For me this evokes thoughts of female tennis players grunting and groaning and screaming with every swing, lunge and volley.  Monica Seles started this trend in her too-short time in the limelight.  When she said “screw it” (no pun intended) and played loudly, fans, writers and commentators lamented the un-ladylikeness of her grunts and groans.  Years later, nearly all top women’s tennis players are loud on the court while presenting themselves as genteel ladies off the court.  How sexy is that?  I think Serena is consistently the loudest, but I’m not sure whether this helps her win fans or sell stuff.  Frankly, with that body I don’t think it matters; she could be a mute and still get crazy media print space and airtime.  Sports, sex, and fashion meet up in Serena’s wardrobe, both on and off the court.

And just in case the connection between sports and sex isn’t clear enough, some clubs – notably football and basketball teams – devote considerable resources to fielding cheerleading squads and/or dance troupes.  Just think of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, the Laker Girls, the Knicks City Dancers, or any big-time college football or basketball program.  (Fellas, you can take a couple more minutes here.)

I cannot end this essay without mentioning the two acts that consummate the marriage of sports and sex:  scoring, and winning.  In the most primitive sports-to-sex translation, scoring is penetration (dare I say “hitting the spot”?  OK, I dare), and winning is the orgasm.  The most exciting games are up-and-down, back-and-forth tussles, or defensive masterpieces where neither side scores much but damn near kill themselves trying.  Winning is the ultimate satisfaction.  Winning can be a selfish endeavor, or it can be a come-one-come-all-everybody-celebrate-with-us party.  And at the end of a session, both sides are tired and sweaty and might want a cigarette.  Or a beer.  Or a nap.  Or some food.  Or all of the above! 

I’ll close with a reference that every weekend athlete can relate to, either in the bed or on the field of play:  if you’re really lucky, you might play, score, and win for hours on end.  Or play a double-header.  I think that triple-headers are over-rated, and I’ll stop right there….  I’m exhausted!