We the People (A Letter to Washington)

Yesterday I visited the National Archives on a whim.  It was a grey Tuesday afternoon, and the lines of people usually waiting to get into the Smithsonian museums were not around. The Rotunda, the room in the National Archives where the United States’ founding documents are stored, was practically empty. After grabbing a quick lunch in the cafeteria, I rode the elevator up to the main floor of the Archives, briefly stopped at the Magna Carta display (it was a facsimile; the original will not be on display until March 2012), breezed past the waiting ropes and up a few stairs, and there I was in the Rotunda.  Small groups were clustered around various displays. There was this one small display in the middle that looked very lonely; it looked like it might even be empty (from about 20 feet away, that is).  I walked up to it and just above there was an unobtrusive plaque that simply read “Declaration of Independence”.

Whoa.

There it was.  It does indeed look a couple hundred years old.  I did not try to read it because I did not have to.  The top line boldly declared “In CONGRESS, July 4, 1776” in large print, and towards the bottom I could make out John Hancock’s signature.  Other than being quite faded, the signature looked exactly like the facsimile that I grew up viewing in history books.  In like fashion, I saw the original Constitution and Bill of Rights.  I did not linger over any of the documents – though I could have.  All I would have had to do was wait out the few visitors who were in the room with me.  But I was so elated and stunned at the simple elegance of the presentation that I saw no reason to push the issue, and left the Rotunda to go home no more than ten minutes after entering.

For the record, security officers were present – I believe there were five or six officers in the Rotunda alone – but their presence was dignified and muted, in keeping with the sobriety and precision of the Rotunda.

The Declaration of Independence laying in the open for all to see while surrounded by mostly invisible and impenetrable security gives testimony to what the caretakers of this great nation can accomplish when they properly set their minds to the task. This lesson seems to be lost on a whole bunch of elected officials, who need to stop whining and pouting and get on with the business of making the electorate happy again.

Please.

RAMBLINGS VOL IX

Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. Phillippians 4:11

“Be very careful about the goals you set because quite often you achieve them.”  Thomas Powell

It is 4:49 AM Friday morning.  I’m up a little extra early after a good night’s sleep and am ready to go.  I just decided to work out in the gym instead of going for a run; but I’m going to do a load of laundry first.  My body feels rested and there is no pain!  My mind is sharp.  I’m not hungry yet, but I know that the kitchen contains a bounty of healthy food choices.  I’m comfortable knowing that right now I am making a lot more good decisions than bad ones.  I like mornings like this one.

My fantasy baseball team (the Allfive Fingers) is holding its own in the league playoff semi-finals.  We’re up a couple of dingers with three days to play out.  Win or lose, I am proud as a runway mom!

I’ve got Ziggy Stardust by David Bowie in my head at the moment.  I could do a whole lot worse.

Laundry is done, folded and put away.  It’s 7:06AM.  I have decided to skip today’s workout and take a run tomorrow morning.  It is nice to be in a position where I can make that call and not feel the slightest bit of guilt or worry.  Time to say a short prayer of thanks.  I’ll be back….  Okay, I’m back.  It’s about 50-somethng degrees this morning!  AC is turned off.  There is a nice crisp smell to the air.  Summer is turning into fall, and it feels good.

Crazy karma - the social worker at the dialysis ctr just used the

Shakespearean phrase "slings and arrows". That's the name of my fantasy football team. I told her this and she informed me that Visanthe Shiancoe (Minnesota Vikings) is her son!

I was in armchair paradise last night!  I was watching two football games on TV (Boomer Sooner!) while playing two online Scrabble games and also checking on my fantasy baseball team's progress.  And my teams won!

I tested my smartphone’s Internet access from a Starbucks today.  It works as advertised even outside of the store.  This will come in very handy when I am traveling.  And by no means will this be used as an excuse to start wasting money on those frappucinos again.

Today I got super-crabby towards the end of my dialysis session.  Why?  Hunger.  I had a solid breakfast, but had it a little earlier than usual.  And instead of a half-sandwich, piece of fruit and a good-sized snack, I packed only a half-sandwich and a small snack, so I was ravenous by 3PM.  It took a lot of willpower to come directly home, but it was worth it.  I immediately ate a couple of chili dogs (my best batch of chili yet!) and a cookie, and then grabbed the Chinese takeout menu.  I ordered the General Tso’s chicken combo platter and a gyro (no tomato).  The stuff arrived at 6:30 and I got busy immediately.  I made it through the gyro, the egg roll, and a good helping of Gen Tso chicken and fried rice before I stopped.  I can’t pretend that I don’t know why I was so hungry; one look in the mirror tells me why.  I am still adding muscle.  I have to tell the medical staff at the dialysis center to bump up my “dry weight” another kilo to 104 kilograms (about 229 lbs).

Even *nothing* can be done well….

I may have reached the point where I can throttle back a little on my training.  If I do not train today, I will still have worked out 10 of 20 days this month.  I definitely see more definition in a lot of places on my body.  And the success builds on itself as my ego starts to kick in.  It’s a lot easier to turn down that donut now.  As hungry as I was when I arrived home yesterday, I focused on eating good food instead of the big chocolate chip cookies that Hilva left for me.  The important thing now is to find a comfortable training level.  I am famous for my “all or nothing” attitude, and if I don’t watch it I’ll be looking at myself in the mirror in six months wondering what the hell happened.

Sometimes while in the kitchen I think up something that I want to write down, and by the time I get back to my computer I forget what that one thing is.  This is one of those times.

It is almost exactly one week after I started this volume of ramblings.  Today is my dad’s birthday.  RIP David White Sr.  I love to think about why he taught me to play chess instead of basketball.

Among other things, during this morning’s workout I did 40 push-ups, took a quick break, and did 40 more.  That was pretty cool. 

Just like last Friday, so far I am having a damn fine morning!

My fantasy baseball team, the Allfive Fingers, won last week’s semifinal by outscoring the best team in the league.  As of right now we have a 20-plus-point lead in the finals with three days to play.  Anything can happen, but I just know that the Fingers are going to win.

I am currently playing “Hip Hop” by Dead Prez.  It is a thug beat.  I like it a lot.

So far this has been a very interesting Saturday.  It is 1:30PM and I have not yet watched a single minute of college football.  I’m not exercising today because I’ve worked out four days in a row and my body has put the brakes on exercising for at least a day or so.  There’s little food in the pantry simply because it’s that time of the month, but I still have food to eat.  I have a couple of sources of money if I really need to buy something, but I’m pretending that I don’t.  The big question:  do I brave the rainy weather and take a trip to the supermarket?  The answer:  Yes, of course I do.  I need protein.

It is Sunday morning and I am in rare form.  Well, I am in what used to be rare form; it is now a more common occurrence.  My neck still hurts, but my mind is razor-sharp and I am in a good mood regardless.  I’ve already solved one mystery, and also discovered that my B-complex vitamin supplement bottle has a pop top – I no longer have to unscrew the cap every morning.  I did not go to the supermarket yesterday, and I just decided that I’m not going to go today either.  I will make do with cold cereal, cold cuts and scrambled eggs until hunger sends me down to the convenience store on the “terrace” (read basement) level of the apartment complex.  So what’s next?  A big bowl of Corn Flakes and Frosted Flakes and a game of Scrabble.  I’ll be back….

My big brother Owen told me two things that stick out in my mind.  Number one:  You have the rest of your life to cross the street.  Number two:  When you get older, you will notice all the ladies looking at you in a certain way.  I understood number one immediately, and it has saved my life at least once.  After many years, I now see evidence of number two every single day.  And it feels pretty good.  But where they hell were they when I needed them?

Answer:  they were right there.

RAMBLINGS VOL VIII

I am giving Kindle Scrabble a good game more often than not on the Hard level.  The tables are turning.  I'm using its ridiculously arcane words against it, just like I would on the basketball court or the chess board.  And there are only so many seven- and eight-letter words out there. 

Those who listen to instruction will prosper; those who trust the Lord will be joyful. Proverbs 16:20

My latest new gadget is a wireless keyboard.  It’s my second one; the first died many months ago.  This one is lighter, has a much better feel, has many more functions, and cost less than half as much as the one I bought four or five years ago.  My bedroom is no longer an occupational hazard!

As of last night, Master Chef Dave can cook pork chops.  Yummmmmmbaby!  I cooked up six Tuesday evening; they were gone by Thursday evening.  Thank goodness I bought two packs – and thank goodness for BOGO (buy one get one free)!  Welcome to the protein stable, pork chops!

Yesterday I resolved to learn someone’s name.  I decided it should be the receptionist at K Street Dialysis.  She is unfailingly polite and yeah, OK, she’s good-looking, too.  So what?  I briefly puzzled over how to do this, and then I said screw it and knocked on her door so I could ask her.  She was wearing a nametag that said “Rhona”.  Job well done!  On to the next task.

I know just about all of the dialysis center employees’ names now, and they all know “Mr. White”.

I was looking forward to my run this morning, so of course this was the one morning that I woke up late (7AM).  Today is an off-day for me (no dialysis), so I had more than enough time to get a run in anyway, but I decided not to.  Sleeping until 7AM is a rarity for me nowadays, so I took it as a signal that my body needs a break from the exercise.  Normally over the course of a month my body will put the brakes on working out at some point and I won’t be able to do it for as long as a week, but that did not happen during the month of August.  This is definitely a good sign!  I am slowly rounding back into form.

I like writing with blue ink.  I don’t care what the black ink people think….

September is a critical month as far as planning goes.  Basically, if it’s going to happen this year, I need to get it going right now.  My strategy is to assume the worst and prepare accordingly; wish me luck.  [good luck, Dave!]

I beat Kindle Scrabble three times yesterday.  I beat it on the way to dialysis, I split two games with it during dialysis, and I beat it on the way home after dialysis!  The last win was the best because I am literally drained as I travel home from having 10-12 pounds of liquid removed from my body.  Two of the wins came on my final play.  You know what?  A win is a win is a win.  I used the word *doyenne* in Scrabble yesterday.  Where the hell did that come from?

Every once in a while, you have to take a deep breath and step into the void.

You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it.”  -- Margaret Thatcher

Today started off with a really riveting hamstring cramp.  If you’ve had one, you know it’s five to ten minutes of agony, and then it’s cool as long as you don’t make the same movement for a while.  This is the second one in a couple of weeks; I’ll have to keep an eye on this situation as it happens the morning after a dialysis session.  This also caused me to remember that it wasn’t that long ago that I was unable to have hammy cramps because I had no leg muscles due to malnutrition and anemia.  So all in all I can’t complain…..  I’ll know that my hammys and quads are all the way back when I am once again way faster than I look.  Right now I’m just faster than I look.

“Success is liking yourself.... liking what you do….and liking how you do it....”  Maya Angelou

Asparagus dip is delicious, especially with honey wheat pretzel sticks.

I got all excited when I saw that McDonald’s is selling its Sausage McMuffin with Egg for 2/$3.00 for a limited time.  I then calmed down and remembered that (a) I don’t eat breakfast on the run anymore, and (b) my own sausage and egg combo costs a lot less than $1.50 per sandwich.  So why am I all hyped over Mickey D’s?  Could it be … sugar?

My smartphone just reminded me that the NASCAR race was rescheduled and is starting right now!!!  Damn – I already missed the first spinout!

67 consecutive push-ups last night!  I think it’s safe to say that I can start focusing on sit-ups and running.

The college and football seasons have officially begun, and serious pizza questions need to be asked.  No pizza at all?  One with everything on my birthday?  Or for the New Year?  Is pizza with no tomato sauce tasty?  I need to develop a list of pizza substitutes immediately. 

Today is 9/9/11.  In two days we mark the ten-year anniversary of 9/11.  I had briefly thought about doing something silly like 911 push-ups on that day, but there’s no way I am going to trivialize the sobriety of this event with any individual puffery.  I plan to live my life as normally as possible by working out and watching plenty of football.  I may even break from my diet and order a pizza.

I have had my new printer for over a month now, and I have dusted it almost as often as I have used it to print.  I’m sure this will change, but it’s interesting to note how quickly I adjusted to not being able to print.  My writing has suffered some, I’m sure.  On the bright side, this printer can print photos without special ink.

Do good instead of evil and try to live at peace.  Psalm 34:14

Today is 9.11.11.  I worked out this morning, then walked to McDonald’s to get a cheap lunch, got a cheap breakfast instead, and walked back home.  It is now time to watch football.  I’ll have two Sausage McMuffins w/Egg for lunch.  Dinner?  Pork chop party!

My fantasy baseball team is 15-8 heading into the playoffs!  It’s my very first fantasy team in any sport.  A lot of it is pure luck, but there are plenty of opportunities to make your own breaks, and I take advantage of many of them.  If I win the league championship, my team, the “Allfive Fingers”, will get to play against the other champions for a grand prize of $10,000.  Hey, stranger things have happened:  we just had lightning storms, an earthquake, a hurricane, and major flooding within about a 15-18 day period….

OK, let’s put modesty aside for a second.  I am fit.  I can look in the mirror and nod approval.  And I’m not done yet.  I want the world to know that kidney failure is not a reason to write people off.

Stand up for what you believe in – even if it means standing alone.

RAMBLINGS VOL VII – DISASTER WEEK SPECIAL

 In an eight-day period, my town in Maryland was hit by thunderstorms, lightning storms, an earthquake, and a hurricane.  The oddsmakers say that a locust attack is most likely to happen next, followed closely by raining frogs.

So yesterday our landline phone rings, and it’s that “800 Service” on the caller ID again. They have been calling for over a year, and I keep telling them that they have the wrong number, and they apologize and keep on calling. This call flipped a switch in my brain, and instead of snapping or letting them get under my skin, I went straight to "devious" mode. I checked the call log, wrote down the number, and called them back. I gave the poor sap who answered all kinds of tortuous phone shizzle while advising him that every time they called me, I would call them back. He thought that he would just stay on the line and frustrate me, but I totally out-frustrated him. At one point he pretended to put me on hold while he allegedly looked for his supervisor; I advised him to “hurry up already”. He then handed the phone to his supervisor, a Ms. XXXXX, and I told her the same thing I told him. (While I was doing this I wrote down her name so I could ask for her the next time I called.) After hearing me repeat my new mantra two or three times, she was smart enough to hang up.

Now that these telezombies know that I have their phone number and can be a bigger a-hole than they ever anticipated, I’m pretty sure I won’t be hearing from then again. If I do, I have unlimited service and a lot of time on my hands.

[Yes, I know about the Do Not Call Registry, and it works like a charm on all of our cellphones – but not on the landline for some reason.]

Our hurricane weekend in Washington DC has gone about as expected:  two power outages totaling about 14.5 hours.  What was unexpected were the two dozen or so power “dips”, which can be quite unsettling.  As of this writing power is up but Comcast (cable, Internet, and land line) is still down.  All in all, we cannot complain one bit.  Two things that went right on my spending list are: a good, dependable portable television set, and a whole crapload of C or D batteries to keep the thing running.

Random hurricane-induced ramblings follow:

Vanilla wafers are best eaten two at a time.

I like when babies point at things.

These power dips reminded me that everything you know and love can be taken away just like that.

When you know that a power outage is coming, if at all possible you should make a batch of chili beforehand.  It will come in handy.

Blackout Breakfast:  Two pieces of buttered toast make the foundation of the plate (you can still make toast if you have a gas-powered stove).  Top that with a big mound of piping-hot chili, and top that with two fried eggs.  This should be accompanied by a nice cold beverage.  Cheese, alcohol and dessert are optional.

I saw the first bit of blue sky at approximately 10:20AM Sunday morning, August 28.

In our region, it looks like Virginia definitely got the worst of it.  Two million households without power, from what I last heard.  DC looks to be OK; the trains and buses never stopped running down here.  NYC is a mess in more ways than one.  Word is spreading that the real reason NYC mass transit was shut down was to prevent widespread looting.  That said, it’s time to let out a well-kept secret:  the biggest, nastiest, scariest bunch of potential looters are the police.  They are credentialed professionals whereas the other potential looters are casual amateurs.  I am not by any means denigrating all law enforcement officials; I am just speaking on a well-known truth.

I would guess that within a month the pollen level here will skyrocket to record heights due to the unbelievably wet and damp August weather.

It’s now 8PM Sunday evening and we still have no TV or Internet.  Fortunately, I am getting tired, as I did get out and do my Sunday run this afternoon.  I believe that a nap is in my immediate future, followed by another big bowl of chili and a Dunkin’ Donut.  That should knock me out but good!

[Author’s note:  I did get some sleep but am now awake and on the prowl as usual.  Comcast went back online at about 9PM.  Knock wood, I am truly glad that this stretch of bad stuff is over.  It’s over, right?  Right?]

RAMBLINGS VOL. VI

Lately I’ve been thinking about doing Christian things (other than praying) on a daily basis.  Early on, my thoughts were always bogged down by the idea of donating.  Donating is fine, but right now I don’t have the cash to be a big donor, or even a small one at times.  Besides, I promised myself that until things get better financially that my number one charity is Me and Mine.  With that said, I need to think a lot more outside the box when it comes to performing altruistic acts in my daily life.

Since I started actively thinking about performing Christian acts, I notice that the little things are happening more naturally.  I don’t think so much about whether I should do something nice or polite; I just do it.

I get a kick out of publishing something controversial and then waiting for the approval or critique that never comes.  That usually means that it was thought-provoking – or just plain outrageous!

I LOVE the GEICO commercial featuring The Three Smartphone Dorks!  “Don’t mind if I do!”

Stick to your guns, podnuh.

I brought two bags of Tootsie Roll Pops to the dialysis center and distributed them.  Tootsie Roll Pops are a big favorite at the center because the nutritionist OKs them, they contain pseudo-chocolate, they don’t make a mess, and choking on one is pretty difficult.

I feel like Manager Dave again.  Mentally I am back on top of my game, and I am much more passionate and creative.  I’m working on my anger issues, and am more sociable.  Problem-solving is on point, as is organization and follow-up.

I bought some mandarin orange popsicles, put them in the freezer, and forgot all about them until I went to get some ice for a drink.  What a pleasant surprise!

Being a grown-up all of the time is grueling.

I have been without a printer for over a month.  Being a good technician, I troubleshot the issue (cartridge error) down to the point where the recommended solution (get a new cartridge) did not resolve the issue.  I decided that after five years of good service it was time to put Miss Print out to pasture and get a new one.  Replacement will arrive in 2-4 days.  Among other things, I managed to draft, edit and submit for publication an essay about sex and sports that I think is pretty damn good. 

Replacement printer arrived.  Guess what?  Same #@!#! error.  I packed it up and sent it back to Hell, I mean Dell.  When my account is credited, I will try HP for sure.

Reverse psychology tends to work on me.  If you tell me that I can’t do something, you can bet your bottom dollar that I will do my damndest to git’er dun….

My body makes me take days off from training every once in a while.  Today is one of those days.  Getting around is no problem at all, but every now and again my body says “Thanks for training me so hard.  I really appreciate it.  But do you think we could ease up for a day or two?”

“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever.”  (Hebrews 13:8)  I think that this makes a pretty good mantra.

My smartphone keeps getting smarter…..

I’m watching “Scarface” late at night, and I notice that in the wedding scene Tony Montana’s banker is in the wedding party.  Perhaps that is a sign that Mr. Montana’s value system is a bit skewed?  Or maybe not….

“Sacrifice what you want for what you desire.”  -- Unknown

I am oh so eager to jump back into the mix right now!  But I will try to take one small step at a time.  I took one small step this week:  joining the Mid-Atlantic Renal Coalition’s Patient Advisory Committee.

“Persistence will always defeat resistance.”  Miss Knockout posted this, and the quotable quotes webpage did not have this listed, so I’m attributing it to her.

I just reviewed my “Birthday Food Wish List” (list of foods I can no longer eat) and I was OK right up to the end when I saw “sugar-coated cashews”.  I got all googly.  And now I want a double bacon cheeseburger slathered in ketchup, with a side of hot, crispy fries.  And a chocolate shake.

Here's a useless tidbit:  The updated Looney Tunes Show (Cartoon Network) is pretty darn good!  The old gang has fun in the new millenium, and additional tidbits about the characters are revealed.  If you think that Yosemite Sam might not be a good house guest, you're right!

This morning [author note:  this is a different morning] my body told me to take it easy and skip the run and/or workout.  I’m actually disappointed, but my body knows best.  I may still work out later in the day, but now I can admire the sunrise, go through my notes, and watch the Today Show before breakfast.  I am slowly but surely adjusting to the retirement lifestyle.  That said, if a viable employment opportunity comes along, I’m grabbing it.  Same if IT consulting takes off at some point – and it just might.  Lately I’ve noticed that I am sharp as a tack, and physically I am almost as strong as I was back in the day – actually stronger by some measures.  My only concern is working long hours; I would like to avoid that at all costs.  The return just isn’t worth it any longer in my opinion.

I have worked out 14 of a possible 23 days so far in the month of August.  Longest layoff was August 9-11.  And I am starting to swagger again – but I’m doing a pretty good job of catching myself in the act and turning it off.  “Pride leads to disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.”  -- Proverbs Chapter 11 Verse 2

Every once in a while, the pendulum will swing your way.  When it does, you should be prepared to take full advantage.

Just two minutes ago, I figured out what I should have said when a bunch of managers turned against me to put me in my place six years ago.  I’m elated to finally have the answer, but disappointed that it took me six years to figure it out.  Oh well.  Next time, I’ll be ready.

The American Political Jumbo Jet

The U.S. political system is designed to make slow but sure corrections, much like a jumbo jet. Rather than making sharp adjustments, it makes wide turns and gradual course changes. Any attempt to make an extreme change in course might result in a crash, and sometimes extreme changes are even corrected automatically.  Immediate change is accomplished only with the assistance of a catastrophic event, e.g. lightning, a collision, an explosion, or very bad weather.

The American system of tripartite government excels at preventing sudden changes in policy no matter what the sentiment of the people.  There are, however, certain exceptions to this rule.  The Supreme Court, for example, can single-handedly effect change, but not in a directed fashion.  See Roe v. Wade, the legalization of abortion in the United States, in 1973.  The Supreme Court can overturn this decision if it is presented again and make abortion illegal if five or more Justices agree to overturn the 1973 verdict.  Changes in the socio-political leanings of  Justices do not happen often; neither do Supreme Court appointments.  The anticipated rulings of the Supreme Court are set up for the long haul by a sitting President to the best of his or her ability to do so, and that direction may last for many years after he or she leaves office.

The concept of checks and balances makes ramming any new law through the legislative process extremely difficult. Legislation can only be ratified when the President, a majority of the members of the House of Representatives, and a majority of the Senate all agree that it should become law. Neither house can enact anything without the other house’s assent and the President’s approval. All in all, the system works pretty well; if there’s a problem, it’s that America’s politicians are far too comfortable with the status quo, and that “kicking the can down the road” until the next Congressional or Presidential election has become de rigeur in Washington issue-centric politics. As a result, every once in a while the American political jumbo jet threatens to run out of fuel and fall out of the sky, as it recently almost did with the debt ceiling debate/debacle. Fortunately, Americans are among the best in the world at conjuring happy endings out of crisis situations.

A Hollywood director might have added a couple of over-the-top flourishes to the debt ceiling crisis – for example, a spaghetti-western-style barroom fistfight between President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner – but the outcome would have been pretty much the same:  no lessons were learned, and the audience is by and large left dissatisfied. However, if Hollywood had produced the debt ceiling drama, the process might have generated some cash – and that cash could have paid America’s bills for a couple of weeks!

Sexy Sports

Sexy Sports

That’s right – sexy sports!  Not “sexy shorts”, although there are sexy shorts all over the landscape, and some of them are part of the sporting world.  Venus and Serena Williams’ shorts always grab my attention.  I also like to look at fellow tennis player Maria Sharapova, and I’ll be the first to admit that I have never watched her play a single point.  And I used to love watching Tina Thompson of the WNBA.  Yes, I know, I know, but truthfully I’m just getting started.  Remember the French figure skater Surya Bonaly?  She of the competition back flip?  Boy, I really liked her, because I just pulled her name out of the dark recesses of my mind without any hesitation at all.  And she skated in the Olympics last century -- as did Katarina Witt.  “Ecaterina” was (and is) a vision of loveliness in my mind.

Right about now I would imagine that any women, feminists, gays, transgenders, and maybe even clergy who are reading this are thinking “you pig!”  Relax, everybody!  There’s enough eye candy here for everyone, and then some!  You all know what you like; I can only speak to what I like, so that’s what I do.  None of us can deny that athletes have a very definable sex appeal. 

There were so many different directions in which I could take this essay that my thoughts were haphazardly organized at the outset.  When the idea of combining sex and sports came to mind, I knew that I had a winning topic.  It’s common knowledge that sex sells, and we all know that sports sells.  When I thought about combining the two, my mind went nova and I started typing.

So which sport is the sexiest?  This question, is, of course, totally subjective and depends on a person’s point of view and frame of reference.  It might be women’s tennis or swimming or volleyball or gymnastics.  Or diving.  Or golf.  In actuality, these are my selections; Joe Six-Pack may have a different set of standards.  In like fashion, I can only guess as to what women like to watch….

Wait a minute.  The word “watch” alerted me to the fact that so far I am only covering the visual aspect of “sexy sports”.  I totally forgot about the other senses.  What is the sexiest-sounding sport?  Football and tennis spring to mind.  Those who like to argue in bed might prefer baseball or basketball.  And some dear readers might get off on the roar of the crowd.  Do any sports smell sexy?  Beach volleyball?  All that sun, sand, surf and cocoa butter, not to mention the teeny bikinis….  Again, it’s a personal choice.  Some may find the smell of a horse paddock very sexy; others, not so much.  And then there’s a tactile aspect of sports that some might find sexy.  Pairs figure skating leaps into my mind’s waiting arms, along with professional dancers and dance competitions.  I don’t even watch “Dancing with the Stars”, but I know that there’s got to be some sexy touching going on.  It airs in prime time, for goodness’ sake!.

The sexiest sports sense is the visual one, I suspect.  Think of all those youthful, well-toned bodies.  Or mature well-toned bods.  Then dress those bods in sexy outfits.  Even ancient civilizations were attuned to these visual cues.  Didn’t the original Olympic athletes perform naked?  I bet the spectators were fully clothed.  Well, most of them, anyway.  Just think of all those well-toned nudes in motion – running, jumping, lunging, spinning, crouching, pushing, pulling, swinging and, of course, scoring. 

If all that doesn’t get one’s blood roiling, an argument surely will.  John McEnroe springs to mind, followed by Jimmy Connors, baseball manager Billy Martin, and, from time to time, Michael Jordan.  The mention of His Airness reminds me that the passion with which some athletes play their game is sexy in and of itself.  For me this evokes thoughts of female tennis players grunting and groaning and screaming with every swing, lunge and volley.  Monica Seles started this trend in her too-short time in the limelight.  When she said “screw it” (no pun intended) and played loudly, fans, writers and commentators lamented the un-ladylikeness of her grunts and groans.  Years later, nearly all top women’s tennis players are loud on the court while presenting themselves as genteel ladies off the court.  How sexy is that?  I think Serena is consistently the loudest, but I’m not sure whether this helps her win fans or sell stuff.  Frankly, with that body I don’t think it matters; she could be a mute and still get crazy media print space and airtime.  Sports, sex, and fashion meet up in Serena’s wardrobe, both on and off the court.

And just in case the connection between sports and sex isn’t clear enough, some clubs – notably football and basketball teams – devote considerable resources to fielding cheerleading squads and/or dance troupes.  Just think of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, the Laker Girls, the Knicks City Dancers, or any big-time college football or basketball program.  (Fellas, you can take a couple more minutes here.)

I cannot end this essay without mentioning the two acts that consummate the marriage of sports and sex:  scoring, and winning.  In the most primitive sports-to-sex translation, scoring is penetration (dare I say “hitting the spot”?  OK, I dare), and winning is the orgasm.  The most exciting games are up-and-down, back-and-forth tussles, or defensive masterpieces where neither side scores much but damn near kill themselves trying.  Winning is the ultimate satisfaction.  Winning can be a selfish endeavor, or it can be a come-one-come-all-everybody-celebrate-with-us party.  And at the end of a session, both sides are tired and sweaty and might want a cigarette.  Or a beer.  Or a nap.  Or some food.  Or all of the above! 

I’ll close with a reference that every weekend athlete can relate to, either in the bed or on the field of play:  if you’re really lucky, you might play, score, and win for hours on end.  Or play a double-header.  I think that triple-headers are over-rated, and I’ll stop right there….  I’m exhausted!